Author: admin

The year is 2036. A series of scientific breakthroughs has allowed mankind to revive dinosaurs from extinction. The beasts have been contained to a remote island, and are on display for tourists.

One fine day, PAM, feeling particularly adventurous, decided to take a group holiday to the newly opened Jurassic Park – a marvel of modern science. “Guys, let’s go to Jurassic Park” suggested HP. “Aight aight aight” Surath agreed almost instantly. “Alllllrighty there…you go to your little park” Saravana declared, clearly not excited by the idea. PC looked around the room fearfully – he didn’t want to defy HP and Surath, nor did he want to leave poor Kula singled out as the only non-enthusiastic member. “What do you think PC?” asked HP cautiously. PC delicately stroked his disgustingly dirty beard, before making his careful decision – “There’s no harm in seeing what it’s like”. And so it was settled. They would all travel to Jurassic Park. Little did they know, that there was harm…SIGNIFICANT harm, in seeing what it was like…

All 4 men sat huddled in the back of a helicopter. The engines roared, as they flew at speed across the vast ocean. They all wore intercom headphones, to be able to talk over the noise. “Excuse me, are we nearly there?” HP asked the pilot. The pilot did not respond – instead, he continued to suck on his beer – one of several which he had downed since take-off 3 hours earlier. Saravana sat motionless, staring blankly ahead. Surath fidgeted uncomfortably…he felt a growing sense of uncontrollable panic at the fact that their pilot was clearly heavily inebriated. PC gazed across the ocean, enjoying the moment, his filthy beard flapping in the wind. “Ladies and gentlemen, we are about to land. Welcome to Jurassic Park, where nothing can possibly…” the pilot vomited heavily out of the open window. The rushing air outside the chopper caused the vomit to fly straight into the backseat of the chopper, and into PC’s beard. “AAGNNN” PC cried in shock and rage. “Look what you’ve done to my beard Arnav, you alcoholic! You’ll crash the chopper!”

Arnav laughed. “I’ve been flying a long time PC, you’ve got nothing to worry about mate. And your beard was putrid long before I vomited on it”.

At that moment, Surath began to vomit on himself, from pure anxiety at the situation.

HP vomited on Kula. The puke flowed down Kula’s chest, like a river between two enormous mountains. Kula sat expressionless. Surath heaved and vomited again, this time vomiting directly into PC’s lap. “AANNGG I jizzed” PC announced, then began vomiting. Kula vomited heavily on HP. “What the fuck Kula! Vomit Baba” HP laughed.

“I jizzed…twice” PC announced sombrely. The men went silent.

“…Holy sweet mother of Christ, we’re out of fuel. I’m landing this thing. Mayday, mayday” Arnav sent the chopper into a steep descent. The landing was rough. All 5 men climbed out of the chopper, into the jungle. The sun shone bright, and the humidity was unbearable. The jungle was thick and the drone of flying insects filled the air. Arnav dragged a huge esky out of the cockpit “now fellas, we’ve got a 3 day trek to the base. Someone help me carry this esky, it’s a 2 man job”.

“Kula, what are you doing?” Surath asked.
Saravana had climbed back into the wreckage of the helicopter, and closed the door. He had his back turned to the men, and was laying still. PC walked to the chopper, peaked in through the window, stared for a few seconds, then returned to the group. “What’s Kula doing? Is he OK?” asked HP with an expression of concern. “He’s streaming porn and wanking” PC announced. Surath began to panic “what the fuck? Seriously man. We just crashed in this dinosaur jungle, and he’s wanking. What’s wrong with him? There’s dinosaurs out here man, Arnav are there dinosaurs out here?”

Arnav finished gulping his beer, and threw the bottle violently into the wreckage of the chopper. It crashed and shattered loudly. “I’m not gonna lie to you Surath, there’s a lot of dinosaurs out here. But the chopper sent out a distress signal before we crashed. My friend is a dinosaur expert and hunter – he should be here any moment”. As if by magic, the bush parted, and a tall man wearing full military (reserves) gear, with a rifle slung over his shoulder, walked into the gathering. “Arnav! You son of a bitch!” declared the stranger with a smile. They shook hands, and Arnav handed him an ice cold beer. “Welcome the party Vinay” Arnav said.

Kula climbed out of the chopper. He wore an expression of satisfied shame. Perhaps the high-stress situation caused him to revert to the behaviour that was most comfortable and most comforting to him…like a baby sucks it’s thumb when it’s hungry, or a dog licks its paws when it’s in pain…Kula pulls himself to exceedingly depraved high-definition fetish pornography. We are all creatures of habit, searching desperately for the warmth and comfort which the world so often unjustly denies us. Kula’s auto-erotic behaviour is not shameful. He is a proud, noble, magnificent man. A man of courage and fortitude. A man who is not afraid to pleasure himself in public.

All 6 men gathered by the wreaked chopper.

The sun was setting.

A loud roar somewhere in the distance, cut through the steady drone of insects.

“Brace yourselves chaps…” Vinay warned, pulling his rifle out and loading it. “It’s going to be a hell of a night…”

To be Continued…

Headmaster Kuladore stood tall on a podium at the front of the dining hall, looking down upon his students.

“Welcome to another year at Hogwanks, sen!” he bellowed.

The students burst into thunderous applause.

“It is time to sort the first years into their houses…bring forth the Sorting Sock, sen!”

A white sports sock, crusty with age and use, was brought forward to the stage and sat delicately upon a table.

“Let the sorting commence, sen!”

And so Headmaster Kuladore began to call out the names of each of the new students, one by one.

“Prasadh Potter!”

Prasadh stood, and walked to the sock. He placed it gently upon his head.

The magical sock contemplated for a moment, then yelled “Yea nah fuck off cunt, this blokes not even a wizard!”

Prasadh Potter began to tremble with anxiety – “AGGNN IM A W-WIZZARD” he screamed, running for the door.

Professor Kuladore drew his wand, and began to wave it expertly.

“Hocus Pocus G’day, stop the boy who is flayed” he chanted.

I thin white stream of sticky fluid burst forth from the wand.

Kuladore had removed his robes, and was naked from the waist up.

His breasts were heavily oiled for some unknown reason – a controversial practice which he claimed enhanced his magical powers.

The white fluid engulfed Prasadh Potter, who fell to the floor, screaming like a wounded chimp.

It was time to resume the sorting process.

“Surath Magnum XXL”

Surath sat down fearfully, as the sock was lowered onto his head.

The sock thought for a moment…”This one’s no good either. Send him home I reckon”

Professor Kuladore flew into a rage – “Allllrighty there, fkn sock kent! Doesn’t even sort my students anymore just constantly rejects them, sen!”

Next, Hariharen placed the sock on his head.

The sock spoke “this kid’s drunk…put him in Professor Arnie’s house”

Profession Vinape rose from his seat. “Silence! Don’t play games…Yaaayse. You…try…….I am Vinape the Great……..”

Professor Arnie stood up “Vinape, just shuttup mate. You’re as bad as the sock. Just shut the fuck up”

Vinape drew his wand, pointing it at Arnie, and began to moan menacingly – ‘ooooooOoOoOoOOO000O0O0O0O0”

Headmaster Kuladore rose from his seat, trembling with fury. He was completely naked now, save for a tiny pair of off-white underwear.

He waved his wand left and right “Alrighty sen, alrighty when, I will rise to wank again!” he bellowed. A burst of pink light shot forth, looped back and struck Kuladores groin.

He instantly became erect. “Heahhh.. wrong spell, sen” he sighed.

Professor HP rose “Guys, lets just…” he paused, then began yelling “Yerr a wizard Harry! I mean, Prasadh!”. He then began to vomit.

Kuladore’s erection had grown to a monumental size, destroying tables and shattering plates. The dining hall was being evacuated of students by those of the Hogwanks staff who had not began fighting one another.

Vinape was still moaning “oOoooooOOO”, his wand glowing a dangerous shade of hot pink.

Professor Arnie had strolled to the bar, and cracked open a cold beer with young HV.

HP had stopped vomiting, and was working with the other staff to help control Kuladores enchanted erection.

Wands drawn and aimed at Kuladores outrageously overgrown magically enhanced erection, they all yelled “Flaccidious Saravanus!”

However Kuladore’s magic was too powerful…his erection too large.

Even Kuladore himself did not have the power to control his cock, which had taken on a life of its own.

They knew that the only way they could stop the erection growing, was to find the Socerers Sack.

Only the sack contained the power stop Kuladore’s powerful spell.

Surath stood up, raising his wand “ROONEEYYY”

Professor Arnie put down his beer “Mate, that’s not a spell. THIS is a spell”

He hurled a beer bottle at Surath, which contacted his head and shattered.

We interrupt this evenings Federal Election Debate with an urgent news update. On the eve of the finale – Vinaya Ramesh, this seasons Indian Bachelorette has sensationally decided to walk off the show. We now go live to the press conference

Scene change to press conference

Reporter: “What propelled you to leave the show right before the end?”

Vinaya: “Coming onto this show only confirmed what I already knew all along, men are vile creatures..the so called bachelors I met were absolutely awful. In all honesty, even my fleshlight gave me greater satisfaction – both sexually and emotionally.”

Reporter: “But isn’t this so called fleshlight a toy designed and marketed for men?..”

Vinaya: “Anything a man can use, a woman can use better. I find it demeaning and insulting that society has labelled a fleshlight as a toy only usable by men. I can rub it against my vagina just as well as a man would against their cock. I hope my actions will serve as an inspiration to all little girls and women across the world.

Cut back to News Host

News Host: “With the dramatic end to the season, talks are now being held with leading contender Surath “Magnum XL” D and Doctor DJ Dush to potentially sign up for a spinoff series – The Aboriginal Bachelor.”

Attendees:

Saravana
Dushan
Vinay
Hariharen
Joey
HP
KD
PC
Surath
Geppi
Arnav

It is the time of reckoning – the final judgement of mankind.

11 men have been gathered around a circular table.
11 men were chosen, for 11 is the divine number whereby there are 2 of 1 and 1 of 2. It represents the underlying unity of good and evil.

They have been summoned by the definitive forces of good and evil – God and Satan.
The men have been given an enormously important task – preventing the end of the world.

In order to save the world, they must solve the divine riddle before them.
If they are able to solve the riddle, then the apocalypse will be delayed by another 1,000 years. If they fail to solve the problem before them, then the world will be swallowed in hellfire – Everyone and everything will be turned to ash.
They have 1 hour in which to solve the riddle.

The Riddle:
“Together we are 2, individually we are 1…side by side, we are perfection”

Saravana mused silently over the riddle. He scratched his groin – Slowly. Deliberately. Continuously. “Aaalllrighty there…”

Dushan was frowning in concentration. He looked up at Saras, and lost his temper – “Bro what the fuck, are you wanking?” Arnav began to laugh. The rest of the men looked on in silence. A deep dread had begun to settle on the group, as they realized just how immense their burden was. “This is fucked, the world is gonna burn” Dushan concluded.

Unable to contain himself any longer, Vinay joined the conversation.
“Don’t play games…” he sighed, seductively. The men all watched him with fascination, and just a hint of arousal. “OooOoooo…” he breathed a long, soothing, sexy sigh. All the men were watching him now – he had their full attention. “…In…DDeeeeeeddd” he purred, letting the word drip like sticky smooth honey from his tongue. Several of the men began to become semi-erect. “You…….tttrrrryyy” he groaned, his voice sweet and rich, his tone barely concealing a deep, aching sexual desire for a man’s touch. Several of the men were helplessly, hopelessly drawn to Vinay’s feminine charms. They sat in silence, watching him closely – unable to think or act.

“SNAP OUT OF IT, YOU FOOLS” barked Hariharen. “Can’t you see that Vinay is but a tool of the devil! He has been placed here to distract us, so that we fail to solve the riddle in time! He has been placed here to tempt us into sinful homosexuality!”
Hari’s slurred voice of alcohol-induced wisdom snapped the group out of their collective trance.

Joey began to speak – “GUYS. I’ve got it” he announced. The group watched him intently.
“In season 4, episode 3 of the Simpsons – Homer stops going to church. He initially has a great time at home, but eventually he sets his house on fire with a cigar – Hear me out…We should all smoke cigars, and that will ensure that …Wait…where was I going with this…”

HP interrupted “Shut the fuck up bro, that’s not helping”.
He pulled out his phone, and began to take a video for instagram.
“Just out here saving the world, 23 minutes from Armageddon!” he narrated joyfully, posting the video to Instagram with the hashtag “#Endofdays”.

KD, having head enough, began to speak – “Boys, we have 23 minutes left to save the world. Our families. Our gyms. Everything we love. I’d suggest we make a start. Let’s consider the riddle again – 2, 1, perfection together…What are people’s thoughts?” He looked quizzically around the room. Silence. In the distance, the deep, rumbling voice of the Devil echoed “ha ha ha…the world will burn, foolsss”

“Aaaanggghhh” PC shouted over the Devil. “Y-y-you sh-shall not PASS” PC wailed. A terrible, hot, ashy wind began to whip through the gazebo. PC stood from his chair, faced-forward into the firey wind – “Y..Y..YOU SHALL NOT PASS” he screamed, his hair and beard flailing in the wind. The Devil’s deep rumbling laugh could be heard, carried on hell’s winds – “fiivee minutes, the worllldd will BURRRNNNN”

Surath sat quietly. He squinted against the head of the hell wind, and lit a cigar. He shuffled in his seat, adjusting his suit, which was tightly buttoned against his stout body. He puffed gently on his Cuban, contemplating the situation. He felt surprisingly calm. It seemed as though his anxieties about life had left him, now that they all faced certain death. He smiled quietly, savoring the rich tobacco.

Geppi sat red-eyed, taking in the terrifying scene. Ash and debris was flying through the air. “Onneee miinnuute” the Devil laughed…Geppi had realized that they were doomed, a long time ago. Even at the 58 minute mark, when he had looked around the table, he had seen the look of perplexed defeat. Of Absolute hopelessness on the boy’s faces. He looked around once more, at his childhood friends. He raised a glass of scotch, and shouted over the rising winds “BOYS! ITS AN HONOUR TO DIE AT YOUR SIDE!” A single, happy tear, rolled silently down his cheek.

Arnav realized that the end was near. “Gentlemen! Let us remember this life not for its failures, but for its joys!”
The deep booming voice of the devil spoke again, louder than before “Tennn seecconndsss…yourrr souullss, thee souulllss offf maann, will burrrnn inn etterrnaall fllaammeee”
Arnav smiled. “DEATH COMES FOR US! TELL ME MEN, WHAT WILL YOU MISS THE MOST?”

Saravana stood, tearing off his shirt. He raised his head high, and shouted into the heavens – “TITS!”

Suddenly the hell wind stopped.
Instantly, a quiet calm descended over the gazebo.
The men looked around in confusion. They began to cheer and clap, lighting cigars and sipping whiskies. The smiled and laughed, shook hands and congratulated one another – not one of them realizing, even for a moment, that Saravana had just saved the world for another 1,000 years.

A forgotten village in the Saga prefecture of Japan, on the island of Kyushu, was facing most unusual weather this day. The now impoverished village resided in a province that had been renamed many a time in its existence, but the name that was never forgotten throughout history was the Castle town of Saga in the Hizen Province – Once dominated by the samurai from the Nabeshima Clan.  

The village had been affected by strange weather phenomenon through the decades and something strange was happening once again. Ancient Japanese folklore here often spoke of strange and supernatural spirit animals known as “Yōkai” who could morph into humans at will. “Yōkai” often ranged from outright malicious and violent, to mischievous and cunning or even those that brought good fortune.  

A famous tale of such was the Nabeshima bakeneko. In English, this meant a “Changed Cat”. The legend takes place in the time of Nabeshima Mitsushige, the second daimyō of the Saga Domain, Hizen Province. Mitsushige’s retainer, Ryūzōji Matashichirō served as the daimyō’s opponent in the game of go. Ryūzōji displeased Mitsushige and was put to the sword. Ryūzōji’s mother, while telling of the sorrows in her heart to the cat that she raised, committed suicide. The cat licked the mother’s blood and became a bakeneko. It would go into the castle and torment Mitsushige every night. Mitsushige’s loyal retainer Komori Hanzaemon finally killed it in an attempt to save the family, yet the cat would always be resurrected shortly after.  

Flashes of lightning were followed by roaring bursts of thunder. Unnatural gusts were picking up and blowing fallen branches, leaves and bits of rubbish through the desolate streets. The steadily increasing patter of rain began to louden from the threateningly darkened sky. The street dogs were sensing a great imbalance from their surroundings, trembling and howling.  

A small dark cat was moaning in pain in an unlit alleyway. It was no ordinary cat by any means as it was in the final stages of its unnaturally prolonged 7 year pregnancy. A blood-curdling screech suddenly echoed painfully through the streets from the cat, and accompanied with the noise came a small, dark skinned man – emerging from the cats Uterus. The small, naked man that had just been born rose to his feet and looked at the cat that had just birthed him. It began to lick his naked body clean as a caring feline mother.  

“The Shima is come full circle – I am here.  Begun, my ninth life has…” he muttered, stroking the cat affectionately.  

It had been three years since the great tournament. The champion, Habaz “Anger Management” Valentine had retired undefeated since claiming the title. Rumour had it that he finally committed to attending anger management sessions and AA meetings. A true shock to the world. Some no name had taken his place as champion. Vinnie Balboa had continued to train religiously, but had not set foot in the ring since his “Behind-closed-doors” victory against the angry little man. He had been living with nature in the forest of his old Master, The Cat Sage. His solitude helped ground him after the way things had turned out with at the fabled tournament. The tournament had taken those closest to him. His reclusiveness was but an escape he now recognised. An escape he no longer needed.  

He was sitting blissfully by a lake, where he had once been given his first demonstration of Feline Mode. Animals were drinking and lazing around. Birds were chirping. There was peace and tranquillity. A thing he had only learned to appreciate in recent times.    

A newspaper was carried by the wind from Vinnies side and swallowed by the many trees. On its first page was a report of two gruesome murders that were apparently linked to a single serial killer. A Former fight promoter and former prison inmate had been found violently beaten and killed in a Portuguese Brothel. The word “rich” and “beast” were etched into their respective foreheads and cheeseburger patties were found upon their eyes. The police had no leads.  

Vinnie arose from the ground and walked forward. He walked for days without break, and eventually reached the clearing, civilisation. He had reached the end of the old Cat Sage’s forest and arrived at a farming colony. The great sign read, “Welcome to the Hills Shire”.  

It was time to live out the rest of his life. 

 ~ 

7 Years had now passed since the events of Shabz famous tournament – remembered this day as “The Tournament of the Best”. Since then, the life of Vinnie Balboa was forever changed. His life had covered all the bases. Humiliating defeats. Unbending Rage. A Weeping Ex-wife. Victory. Pain. Losses. Joy. Friends and Foes. 

He stood at the broken remnants of the old ring where the fights of yesterday had now become pages in a history book. A small four year old boy at his side.  

It now served as the gravesite of those who were dearest to him. He dug a shallow hole into the earth, and buried a can of cat food and a cheeseburger.  

“We will meet again one day…but not yet. Not yet…” He whispered with a bittersweet tone in his voice, thankful for crossing paths with those who had re-directed his path in life. 

“Santiago Saralax Balboa.”, said Vinnie, turning to the little boy, “You were named after the two greatest people I ever met, both of whom fought very bravely here in the past.” The boy analysed the broken remains of his surroundings in awe, a level of understanding far exceeding his age glowed from his eyes. 

Vinnie Balboa may never have officially been champion. He may never be remembered in the history books for his accomplishments. But the memories he carried with him were all he ever needed to remain content. His life accomplishments were his wealth.   He smiled and slowly walked away into the sunset with his son, S.S. Balboa, skipping cheerfully by his side.  

Up Next: Epilogue

Dawn had come and gone.  The late afternoon sun stung Habaz Valentine’s eyes, as he woke from his blissful slumber. And with the now setting sun, came the climax of the tournament of the best.   

The final battle. KD vs Habaz. The Emotion-free vs the Emotion-abundant.  

Habaz had passed out and spent the entire night & most of the day in the audience stand. The few early attendees who had seats around his area were forced to re-base themselves given the threat the angry challenger presented.  He didn’t even know who he would be fighting as he missed the entire match in the previous day. Not that it mattered. Anyone stupid enough to enter his drunken path would be destroyed. Speaking of which…why am I dead sober?! 

His head ached, his lips were dry, and he felt slightly nauseous.  

“Well. The best way to avoid a hangover is to stay drunk, I say” he said, rising to his feet.  

There was a referee who looked vaguely familiar napping a few metres beside him with a black eye.  

“Hey Mate – where’s the nearest Bottle-o. I need some breakfast before my fight! Oi fella!” barked Habaz. 

The referee was out cold.  

“Jeez – lazy bastard’s everywhere, I swear” complained Habaz.  

The fight was to commence in 30 minutes, and Habaz left in a haste to procure some refreshments. Entering a fight cold sober was just plain rude.  

Not too far away, KD was staring into his reflection in the dressing room. His trainers and Shabz were getting his hand wrapping on and gloves tied. His mind was free now, his consciousness awake. He was no longer Shabz’ pet rat, but an avenger.   

‘Soon’ he thought to himself, glaring from the corner of his eye at Shabz with intense hatred. First, he had to suffer, and lose his most valuable possession – his wealth.  

~ 

In his bed, bruised and battered, Vinnie Balboa had woken up into a nightmare. Not only had he narrowly lost to Habaz Valentine, but Sensei Santiago was still missing in action, and news of his friend’s demise had reached him from a most unexpected source late the previous night. The Champion had visited him, and shared words Vinnie thought him incapable off. 

The fight was apparently fixed, and Saralax had been mortally wounded before it had even started. And yet, if the champions words were true – Saralax had still bested him and died victorious on his feet! He lived and died a God of the arena! 

For that, Vinnie was proud to have known and trained with the man. With that in mind though, he felt his reasons to stay to watch the finals had been extinguished. KD had made him one promise though. He would avenge Saralax, if it was the last thing he ever did. He would make those who wronged him pay.  

Vinnie had no doubt in the sincerity of his words.  

~ 

It was time. The crowd was jubilant and roaring with anticipation.   

Habaz stumbled into the ring before que and before his entrance song (Gin & Juice) played, his red eyes comparable to Dracula himself. The stench of alcohol fresh on his breath. This was the final battle – no holds were barred, and Habaz had no intention of showing up weak and sober.  

KD’s entrance was accompanied by the song, Numb by Linkin Park. It seemed fitting. He climbed into the ring with a purpose firmly in his mind.  

Habaz could see three KD’s standing in front of him. Memories of his old coach’s advice echoed in his mind for just such a scenario, the last of his words of advice before he quit as Habaz’ trainer, largely due to him being knocked out shortly after sharing these words by Habaz himself by his ringside on a whim.  

“Hit the one in the middle” he had said.

Habaz downed the last of his Captain Morgan’s rum, and flung it outside the ring just as the bell went off.  

There was something different about his opponent though. He seemed calm and non-hostile. Then something weird happened.   

KD smiled and started licking his lips with a cheeky grin etched on his face. Habaz felt dirty just watching him.  

Habaz threw a left hook, KD ducked. 

Habaz threw a right uppercut, KD weaved.  

Habaz felt his blood boil before it happened, something nobody could predict from the uninjured champion.  

“I give up” he said. 

Silence washed over the crowd. Silence washed over everyone. Silence that was quickly replaced by outrage. They had come for a glorious fight, but instead had been delivered with entertainment on par with coming to watch a soccer match.  

Shabz didn’t understand. KD had a two-word vocabulary, how…? 

His life was over. He had invested everything and even borrowed more to bet on this tournament. His pet rat had betrayed him and ruined his life. 

Seeing no other option, he slinked into the shadows and fled from the scene.   

KD was free and Habaz Valentine was crowned the new champion of the world.  

~ 

One Year had passed since the so-called tournament of the best. In a darkened and now abandoned gym once known as Mighty Mick’s Boxing – light beamed in as a door burst open. Two men, one tall and lanky moving with the grace of a ballerina and the other small and scrawny, stumbling in like a drunken hobo, entered in their boxing shorts. One of them was carrying a half-finished bottle of Johnny Walker Gold.  

“Look Habaz. You beat me by one second, one measly second. That’s hard for a warrior like me to take, ya know?” said the tall one.  

 “Vhaat taer sed?! aFukn asdasd?! Five dollars?!”Gettouttaeere!’’ babbled the other.  

They both jumped into the dusty boxing ring, eager to commence their private fight.  

“Care to do the honours?” asked Vinnie. 

“Wachaah saii ab’t Felicia?! Fucckkk You!!?” replied Habaz.  

Habaz flung his emptied bottle of liquor outside the ring, to signal the commencement of their fight.  

They circled each other tentatively at first, not a punch being thrown. Habaz stacked it once without any help from Vinnie, before rising to his feet with bloodlust in his eyes as if he had been tripped. Vinnie, light on his feet and nimble while Habaz moved as unpredictably and dangerously as a violent storm.  

Finally, they met in the middle, and threw their best right hooks at each other’s heads.   The Eye of the tiger song played in the background as the two great fighters bloodied each other to a pulp. None to witness their great fight, and yet, one that forever echo an eternity.  

Up Next: Remnants of a Broken Dream

“Brother…” whispered KD.

“Brudda’..” whispered Saralax.

Both men lay on the ground. Completely exhausted, broken and bloodied up. A clash of egos had resulted in an even display of skill and strength. Two undefeated champions both on the precipice of their first ever defeats.

Shabz was vehemently whipping the floor, flustered and obscenely commanding his pet rat to rise. The Covenant of Cheese were all tensely squeezing the cheeseburgers in their hands like stress balls screaming for their rotund deity to rise.  The tension around the ring was mounting, and each second felt like an eon for the crowd.

4…

“Big…Gobba…” muttered Saralax. His major bleeding originating from the cowardly and devious Casimiro’s stab wound. Still his will remained. His heart remained. But all that was left was fumes. The Golden Arches had opened their gates…and Saralax was stepping into their warm and heavenly embrace. The sweet scent of fresh cheeseburgers and Big mac’s. The smiling staff greeting him through the doors smelling of fresh grease. The golden crunchy French fries being tossed into an eagerly awaiting pouch, coated with the perfect quantity of salt. Saralax could see Ron now, a big gleaming smile on his face as he beckoned the hungry fellow into his chambers. The end was near…

5…

“Beast.?!” muttered KD, conscious again.

Something in that last blow had awoken something in him. The Shima-Bow Off The Top Rope had awakened his consciousness. His robotic, mechanized drone mind was thinking for itself. Feeling.

“Rich..?!”

His eyes were no longer a dead, mindless grey. He was now present. Lying on his back, he could hear the laughter of children echoing in his head. Hunting a giant cow. Hiding out from the acid rain. Where was the laughter coming from, where were the children?!

6…

The shadow of two children in a desolate wasteland – running, playing and carefree. Survival of the fittest leading them through the harshest of climates. A round spectacled boy and a fat scientist breaking them up.

“Beast..Brost?…Bro…ther…? muttered KD, his mind flooding with distant memories.

7…

“Sara…” whispered KD calmly to himself.

8…

Time was running out. Both fighters were struggling with all their might to get to their feet. While the audience looked on, screaming and roaring for one fighter to rise to their feet – the two men in the ring were facing an inner battle. Who wanted it more…Who

9…

…

…

10!

Saralax was on his feet, the instant before the last count was finished. “WAKE UP, BROTHER!” he Roared, loud enough to reach the heavens themselves.

Saralax had won!

The referees had called it, but something was wrong. Saralax was standing, but his eyes were closed. His chest still. He was not breathing. As a last act of defiance against Shabz, Saralax had won the fight before passing on into the afterlife. The living legend had died on his feet!

Shabz himself was now in the ring, whispering vehemently into the referees ears. The referee was a bought and paid for man Afterall. Shabz owned him. The referee came to the aided conclusion that given that Saralax had died in the ring, KD would progress by default as the victor.

KD was still sitting on the floor, gazing at his deceased rival. How was he still on his feet?!  How had the unstoppable behemoth died standing and victorious, like a glorious round Buddha statue. His eyes were watery. A wild beast inside of him was thrashing uncontrollably, a human element he thought was long since erased. The distant laughter of two children was echoing in his mind. Memories of a childhood he had long forgotten. Tears began streaming down his cheeks that were beyond his control. Children’s voices were playing in the darkest and most distant recesses of his mind.

“I’m going to be a great fighter one day…the strongest in the world!” boasted the small child.

“I’m going to eat the biggest burger in the world one day!” replied the fatter child.

His head felt like it was going to explode. There was a voice there now. No, two voices. Neither belonged to Shabz. One was definitely Saralax or at least – what seemed like a younger Saralax. The other…he couldn’t discern it. He hadn’t heard it in so very long. But it was so familiar.

Was this…him? His voice? Was this his own thoughts?!

What was this emotion, thought KD to himself. A memory of a fat little brother sitting on his older brother until he cried. Chasing after one another in a shabby broken-down playground. Running a-muck in a desolate wasteland they both called home. Simple. Happy. Carefree.

Something was broken. His little brother had bested him yet again…and in doing so, brought him back into the world before bowing out for the very last time.

KD’s eyes slowly traced around the ring, until they landed on his would be “master”.  It was all he could see now. His pathway now was clear. But right now he was weak and beaten. This was not yet the moment. Even in his current state, he could easily end the sharp-tongued, over-indulgent buffoon. But those that would stand in his way might get the better of him in his current state.

Vengeance would be sweet. But the present called for patience.

~

Darkness had now coated the surroundings and the arena was all but empty. The fight Referee was surveying the ring to make sure it was ready for the final bout. Saralax and KD had damaged it more than any fighter throughout history, and it took almost all afternoon to make it useable again.

A loud yawn echoed thunderously through the empty space and startled the referee as he was concluding his survey.  Habaz had just awoken from a long drunken slumber in the audience section.

Habaz had missed the entirety of the last fight, and in fact, had passed out moments before the match had even started by downing almost an entire bottle of fine single malt whiskey by himself. Almost…He looked in disgust at the last few drops left in the bottle.

“Sess…” he whispered, ashamed at himself.

He emptied the last few drops into his thirsty mouth. His vision was still hazy and his coherence to speak, non-existent. He felt angry for no particular reason.

The referee who had abided Shabz instruction to disqualify Saralax and allowed KD to progress – stepped out of the ring. He began to walk to Habaz to check if he was alright or needed help back to his lodgings.

“Sir…would you like an-..” began the Referee, before Habaz stirred in an unprovoked rage. He threw a vicious right hook, and the referee crumpled in an instant – out cold. Karmic justice works in mysterious ways sometimes.

Habaz cursed, then passed out again on the same spot.

The two men lay peacefully on the ground that night, with neither awakening til the early hours of the afternoon the next day.

Up Next: The Last Dance

The dust has settled after last episode’s commotion. It’s time again for Vinaya to choose her next beau, but this time there’s a twist.
The two final contestants will be battling it out on a double date!

Scene change to Vinaya

Vinaya: “Ooohh this should interesting, I’ve never been on a double date before so I really don’t know what to expect!
We’re going to an AFL match together.”

Scene change to Surath

Surath: “I admit, I dont talk to or have any experience with women. But I do consider myself an expert at petting and caressing pussy.

I’m quietly comfident I have the tools to impress Vinaya..”

Scene change to Saravana

Saravana: “Yaaaayyyysse…did you really think I’d be interested in a woman with smaller titties than me…I should’ve just stayed home and wanked.”

Scene change to the date

Surath: “That’s Buddy Franklin, 30 year old Indigenous All-Star, 6 foot 4, scored 64 goals this season.. He also has an 18 inch cock. Aboriginals are scientifically proven to all have large cocks..impressive right?..”

Vinaya: “……………….”

Saravana: “Aaaaalllrighty there buddy. I’ve got triple G sized titties, you dont see me bragging about it. God damn gimp.

Now if you excuse me, all this talking has gotten me horny…I’m going to the bathroom to have a wank.”

Vinaya: “………………..”

Scene change to Vinaya

Vinaya: “…………….err………..yah……….”

The season finale is soon upon us, and for the first time in Indian Bachelorette history, the winner will be chosen by you, the audience.

Who do you think would make the best match for Vinaya? Her love life is in your hands.

Make sure to cast your vote at the link below:

https://xoyondo.com/ap/hLKzlWtGDDfRCol

Up Next – Breaking News

After an unconventional choice for the first date, we now get to see Vinaya dive into the next hunk of meat available. We’ve also planned a surprise guest for the evening…

Scene change to Vinaya

Vinaya: “I’d like somebody with a little bit more sex appeal this time. I am a woman afterall, and sometimes I do need a stronger man to take charge.

Arnav definitely fits the bill, and I’m really excited to see how he’ll show me a good time…”

Scene change to Arnav

Arnav: “She’s in for a real treat tonight, I’ve got it all planned out! First we’ll head to the hip new jazz bar for a few drinks and some dancing.
After that, she’ll probably be a bit exhausted so we can come back to mine where I’ll ease her into a gentle, relaxing massage………
……….
……….
………I can’t wait to slap that ass of hers..heheheHAHAHAHAHHA!!”

Scene change to the date

Arnav: “You don’t drink!? Not even whiskey!? Not even beer!? Not even a cruiser!!?”

Vinaya: “For the last time, NO!”

Our guest suddenly interrupts the date

Dushan: “Hey Vinaya, fancing seeing you here, how have you been?”

Arnav: “Who the fuck are you!?”

Dushan: “I’m Doctor DJ Dush, part-time DJ, full-time surgeon. I’m also Vinaya’s ex. Pleasure to meet you.”

Scene change to Dushan monologue

Dushan: “Vinaya and I had really strong chemistry at first, however I was really focused on my career at the time, and so was she. In the end it just fizzled out…”

Scene change to Vinaya

Vinaya: “OMG. It was SO god damn awkward! I really didn’t know how to react…”

After a promising start, drama soon unfolds. How will it all end? Don’t miss out on the next episode of, The Indian Bachelorette.

Up Next – The Finale