At the end of a long week of work, two pals decide to catch up at the local watering hole. The first man was Prasada Lovejoy, a deeply religious man who had a major fear of horror films. The second man was Vinnie Balboa, a cold hearted banker who held a deep repulsion for an alcoholic beverage called the “Cruiser”. Vinnie, parched from taking poor people’s money, bought the first round of drinks and the two boys conversed about the trials and tribulations of the past week.
Conflict would arise upon Prasada’s round, as he gleefully asked “Two cruisers please barkeep”. Vinnie erupted and screamed “WHAT THE CRAP!!!” Balboa had lost all composure and got up and pointed at Prasada, and then proclaimed “Listen here Lovejoy; you will never ever see me drink a bloody Cruiser, so stop fucking around”. Prasada, undeterred by Vinnie’s aggression retorted with “Alright there…..We will see about that” and decided to call it a night. Both men would end up going home, with Vinnie going to be bed in an agitated state while Lovejoy was at peace following some teachings from his beloved bible.
Vinnie awoke from his sleep and was in complete shock as to what he saw. He was shackled to a Pipe in the edge of a cold deserted basement. There was a door on the opposite side of the room, and when he looked up he saw two swords, one positioned over him and the other over the man next to him. The man next to him was Prasada Lovejoy, and he too was shackled to the pipe. Prasada was now awake, and both men were inconsolable, screaming “HELP, HELP, What is Happening, HELP” and trying to break free of the chains which held them prisoner.
After the two pals had screamed their lungs out, the door at the other side of the room opened, and out came a doll riding on a tricycle. The doll stopped at the middle of the room and proclaimed “Prasada for years you have avoided the thrill of the horror movie, so think of this as your own horror movie. Look at that sword above your head; if you want you and Vinnie to survive, all you have to do is watch a scene from the conjuring 2. Press play within 20 Minutes and that sword will remain dangling in the air, however if you do not, those swords will end your lives”. The doll then turned to Vinnie and said “Vinnie for years you have deprived yourself of the beloved cruiser, so if you want to live, drink the cruiser in front of you within 20 minutes. Prasada and Vinnie live or die, MAKE YOUR CHOICE”. The doll moved to behind the door and the clock started.
20 MINUTES
The two prisoners were now locked in a game with both their lives at stake. Vinnie turned to Prasada and encouraged “Prasada just watch this scene, and we both can escape”. Prasada, wrapped with fear replied “Adiyaga….. Can’t do it. Adiyaga… Can’t do it”. To understand the fear Lovejoy held of the horror genre, goes all the way back to the day he refused to scrub the dishes, despite his home having a dishwasher. Enraged, his mother and sister kept him caged in his room for two months, and Prasada always felt the horror he felt for two months, would be replicated by watching a horror film. While Vinnie’s demons with the cruiser, were caused from an incident exactly five years ago. Balboa was at a bar with his best friend Viplav, and Viplav asked Vinnie to hold his cruiser while he went to the bathroom. Unfortunately, the bar photographer had taken Vinnie’s picture, cruiser in hand, and published it in the local paper with the caption, “cruiser boy”. This became a source of embarrassment for Vinnie, as his buddies began calling him “cruiser boy”, and he vowed never to have anything to do with this drink.
Prasada was now in a state of shock just jabbering “can’t do it”, and Vinnie knew his salvation would be only be reached by the dreaded cruiser. As a result, Vinnie was enraged and physically shaking.
10 MINUTES
Suddenly, the door opened again, and both boys were focussed on the shadows behind it. Through the door came three people which they knew and were friends with. The first man was Arnie Montana, who was Vinnie’s neighbourhood buddy, a Portuguese ruffian who’s finances were always undisclosed. The second was Mr Saralax, a portly figure who was famous for walking his dog “Leels” about ten times a day and was equally known for his choice to wear clothing with no pockets. While the final man, was Habaz Shima, who famous for his short fuse.
The three visitors were quickly informed of the prisoner’s fate, and Shima was immediately enraged at both of their stubbornness and idiocy “YOU FUCKING GIMPS, just fucking drink Vinnie and watch Prasada”. Habaz was turning green, his fuse was lit, and he sprinted out of the basement leaving a trail of destruction, which was clearly heard by all four of the occupants. Vinnie called for Arnie and asked “Arnie please save us, we need your help”. Mr Montana began laughing and retorted “Vinnie I seem to recall last week I asked for you to pay for the cab, and you told me to Fuck Off. So how about you save yourself ….. Cruiser Boy”. Vinnie despondent screamed “Arnie, it was your decision to catch the cab, this is life and death dammit”, which Arnie simply quipped back “Well Vinnie, whoever has locked you in here wants you to play a game for a reason, I think I should respect this man’s wishes.
Suddenly, Saralax began chomping on a Big-Mac, which prompted Montana to ask “Where did you get Sara, you don’t have pockets right?” to which Saralax responded “You ask too many question son”. Arnie, looked at the back of Saralax’s shorts and saw the streaks of Big Mac Sauce on the back of them, he suddenly knew where the Big Mac came from. This horror was too much for Montana to handle, and he decided to run away. Vinnie’s only hope was Mr Saralax, and he pleaded “Please Mr Saralax, I’ll do anything”, to which the response was “I would save you guys but I gotta walk Leels, I’ll come back as soon I’m done son”. Vinnie and Prasada were now alone.
1 MINUTE TO GO
With Prasada still muttering away, Vinnie knew only he could save himself. He picked up the cruiser, screamed “Fuck you Lovejoy” and began sculling the poison which had tortured him for so long. When he was done, the sword fell to the floor, away from Vinnie’s body. Freedom was imminent, however he was still chained to the pipe, and when the clock hit Zero, dramatic music began playing. Suddenly, Prasada began walking to the door, to Vinnie’s complete shock, and when he got to the door he turned and proclaimed “ Vinnie for years you have told me that you will never drink a cruiser, well not anymore will you deprive yourself of that joy. GAME OVER…. GG” as he proceeded to close the basement door behind him. Vinnie, aware that he had been tricked and bamboozled by Prasada, and looked up to the sky and screamed “CRUISERRRRRR!!!!!!”